Thursday, March 31, 2016

John's Letter, April 2016

Well, here it is April.  It’s been almost 10 years since we moved out of our old house into this money pit house sold to us by George Stibbs.  Elly always liked him because he reminded her of some teacher she used to have that cured her gum-chewing habits when she was in elementary school by making her chew an excessive amount of gum.  As a dentist, I can’t recommend that method, but Elly liked that teacher and so she liked George Stibbs.  Chee!  When the tree fell on the roof the first month after we moved in, it was like an omen, or fate, as Elly would say.  I think we have had to repair something in the house every couple of months since have moved in.  George did not keep the place up. 

I thought we would see April over Easter coming in from Guelph and taking a break from veterinary school, but she’s still up there in that apartment she lives in with her boyfriend up there.  Elly tried to keep her mouth shut about that like she did when Elizabeth was living with that Eric Chamberlain fellow at Nippissing who cheated on her and she missed her opportunity to marry Anthony when she was in school.  April’s old boyfriend, Gerald Delaney-Forsythe got married to her old friend Becky McGuire, the pop superstar Rebeccah, and it was all over the entertainment news.  Elly could barely stand it.  “Just like Elizabeth.  Missed her chance.”  April and her boyfriend have been together for years now and still no cheating.  I told her that Phil and Georgia lived together for 5 years before they got married and Elly just says, “You’re not helping, John.”  I thought we could go visit April, but Elly always says, “We never visited Mike at Western or Liz at Nippissing, so why go visit April at Guelph?  She’ll come back to us after her boyfriend cheats on her.”  I think she would have come back after we finished her downstairs apartment with that giant cast iron bathtup, but Elly took that over and she’s down there all the time working on her book or soaking in the tub or both.  “If it’s good enough for Dalton Trumbo, it’s good enough for me.”  I guess this Trumbo guy used to write books sitting in his bathtub or something like that.  Elly spends almost all her time in the basement now.  I can’t see her giving that up, even if April comes home after her boyfriend cheats on her. 

I’m back in the dental business after selling my old business to Dr. Everett Elliott Callahan.  There was a dentist in town who got in a bad accident.  He was riding his bicycle and got hit by a dump truck.  I substituted for him for about a year, and then bought his business, when it was obvious he wasn’t going to recover to where he could do dental work again.  It was like being able to breathe again.  I was never meant to be retired and stuck in the house all day.  I wanted to do medical mission work or community service, but Elly was determined I didn’t do that.  “Connie got pregnant when she did medical mission work.”  I don’t think I would have that problem, but still, I am back in dentistry now.  I am almost 70 and I still love it.  We did a free public information session about dental implants at the Milborough Museum last weekend and I loved every minute of it.  I love keeping up with technology and my practice is almost as big as it was before I sold it to Elliott Everett. 

Elly did take a trip back to Vancouver for her high school reunion and she really liked it.  She’s been talking about some old classmate she ran into that is now a jazz musician.  She really liked his moustache and she’s been telling me it would be nice if I grew a moustache.  “No, thank you, ma’am” is what I say.  I remember when Anthony Caine grew a moustache and it looked like he aged 40 years.  If I grew a moustache I would look like I was over 100 years old.   The other thing the guy did was wear ties that had cartoon characters on them.  I said, “You mean like Snoopy or Garfield?” and Elly said, “No. Like fish or dogs, where from a distance it looked like something paisley but up close it looked like cartoon fish.”  The fanciest I get is a colourful bowtie.  I can’t imagine any adult man wearing that kind of stuff.  Elly seemed to like it, so I think I know what I am going to get for our wedding anniversary. 


Talk to you later,



Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Meredith Diary March 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

Boys are so stupid and I don’t mean Robin, because he can’t help it.   Prom is coming up at R. P. Boire and Ethan asked me like he should.  He put up a big sign in the cafeteria and gave me flowers.  It was so cool.  I love it that my boyfriend is a senior, even though my Auntie April is all about how her friend Becky dated a senior when she was a freshman and she went all roadside.   Her Becky is like Rebeccah, the mega pop star.  If that’s roadside, it looks pretty good.  Anyway, Aunt April is up at Guelph in vet school, so it’s not like I have to hear her lecture me about older boys. 

The problem was Ethan said we should take a ballroom dance class together because his parents have a membership in this class and we can get in for free.  I wouldn’t mind taking the class with Ethan, but you know it’s always way too crowded at school dances to do any dancing like that.   I was just talking about this to Grandma Elly and OMG, I wish I hadn’t said anything.  Grandma Elly acted like I announced I was going to rob banks and club seals with Ethan.  She and Grandpa John took some ballroom dance class back in 1987 and she could not stop talking about how awful it was.  "Her worst anniversary gift ever."  "Like driving a car with a stick shift."  She made me promise not to go, which I had to 'cause like Grandma Elly wouldn’t stop shrieking until I said I would.  I hate it when she starts shrieking.

When I told Ethan that my grandma made me promise not to take the dance class with him, he was all like “That’s a stupid reason” and he’s acting like I want to break up with him, which told him I definitely don’t want to do.   Anyways, Grandma Elly told dad about the class, and he was like, “Why don’t you find a nice gay boy to teach you how to ballroom dance?  Gay guys all know how to do that.  That’s how your Auntie Elizabeth learned to ballroom with your Uncle Anthony and got around Grandma Elly and her thing with ballroom dance classes.”  Aunt Liz and Uncle Anthony are the worst dancers I know.  I don’t know why my dad thinks they are so good. 

I was little when I was a flower girl at their wedding and I still remember the first time I saw them dance.   It was scary.   They were like jumping all over the dance floor and people were running to get away from them.  Second, why does my dad say these things about gays?  It’s so wrong.  Just because you are gay, you know about ballroom dancing?  And mom just goes along with him.  “Well, your father is the one paying all the bills since I quit pharmacy to run my sewing school and he knows all these gay people because of his film contracts.  Plus his friend Lawrence Poirier is super gay, so your dad knows all about gay people.”   Lawrence Poirier is the straightest, whitest gay, black dude I have ever met.  Saying you know gays because you know him is like saying you know transgender because you know Caitlyn Jenner.  My parents can be so dumb some time.  No help from them because they don’t want Grandma Elly shrieking at them either. 

Then today, I try to get together with Ethan after school and he says he can’t go because he’s taking the ballroom dance class with Shaniqua.   Boys are so stupid.   It’s not my fault I couldn’t go.  Why did he have to go with her?  She's so pretty and she's a senior.  He said he had to go with a partner and it's all I could do not to start crying right in front of him.

Dad came into my room to ask me why I was crying and I told him about Shaniqua and Ethan at the dance class.  He was all like "Shaniqua!  You don't have to worry about her.  Ethan will never go to prom with her."  Then he told me this story about how he dated some girl named Rhetta Blum and he was like "and I guess you could tell from her name why I didn't marry her!"  I don't know what he was talking about.  Dad can be really weird.  He doesn't get it.  Shaniqua is a senior and I'm just a freshman...who can't take dance classes because everyone in my family is afraid of my grandmother. 

My life sucks,