Dee's Letter, April 21, 2016
Dee's Letter, April 21, 2016
Hi everyone. I'm sitting here at my sewing school writing on my lunch break. I'm watching the clock because I have to be home in time for Merrie and Robin after school. I can't help but notice that we live our lives by cycles. In Daoism there are a lot of cycles observed - the greater cycle of the year, and the smaller cycle that is one day, for example. We live by calendars, by moon phases, by our watches. Humans are cyclical creatures; even our lives follow a pretty standard cycle - we're born, we grow, we reproduce, we age, we die. There aren't many possible variations on that theme. Sometimes it seems we're trapped by it all, but really it's just the environment in which we exist.
Anyway, my little girl is following the way of the teenager - she's got a boyfriend named Ethan. Like me, and my mother before me, she'll be walking apprehensively into a new environment where her man rules her life. I hope she enjoys it. I try to picture what she'll be like when she gets married. Will she have kids? Of course she will. Will she be happy? It's such a monumental thing to contemplate. Happiness in marriage. Are women every happy in marriage?
I had a long talk with Carleen about it and we weren’t certain. In many respects marriage is a case of a woman saying to another woman, “I just wanted to show what I’ve got that you haven’t got.” Of course men can be hard to sleep on sometimes, but a single woman wouldn’t know because they don’t have a man. Men can be like a good pair of blue star earrings that match your shirt and look good, but don’t contribute any benefit to your life aside from being able to show off to other women and tease them and make them feel bad.
When my thoughts turn this way, I often come to the realization that I'm one of billions of people who are living the same sort of cycle. There are millions of moms out there around the world worrying about their school-aged kids, worrying about their husbands, thinking about the future. So many of us, and individually we're so small. What a place, this world we live in. We're not that much different from the other animals. Anyone who's ever seen a chimp looking after her babies and husband can see that. One advantage of being a chimp is that you don't worry about the trivia that comes with civilization. Of course, you miss out on the good winter-coat sales, but chimps don't wear parkas. The ones on TV do, but you know what I mean. I guess that was a stupid analogy.
I am lucky. I have to see this and know this and appreciate everything in my world that makes me so. I have a loving husband. Yes, he's obsessed with his work, but a writer is obsessive. He’s sleeping with his best friend Weed most evenings, but he's a great dad and the best partner for me. We’ve set up a bed in his office, so that what they do at night doesn’t bother me or the kids. It doesn’t affect me. I'm independent. I enjoy my career. Sewing is quite different from pharmacy work, but it has its rewards, especially when people show up for class - and it's wonderful to come home to a cooked meal and kids whose dad works at home. He's there when we all need him, and Weed is actually a great cook.
Our children are happy and healthy. We live in a good neighbourhood, close to family. We have good friends. Well, we sort of have good friends. The Mayes rarely have time for us anymore and Lawrence Poirier was never really my friend. There’s Carleen of course, but I think she’s moving on. She thinks she can find a better man than Josef. It's not like he ever agreed to marry her. I wish her good luck, but I doubt she will find someone. All the good guys are taken by women like me, who like to show off their husbands and our blue star earrings.
I often wonder what it is or was that has set me on such a solid path. Did I do something right or - as thoughts digress, could it all be taken away from me? Will Michael divorce me to marry Weed and move to the States? It’s not illegal there anymore. Sometimes I wonder about those things. It's uncertainty that makes me hold my family to my heart and appreciate everything we have, everything we are. Yes, I am indeed blessed.
When I'm done my lunchtime flights of fancy, I'm left with the overwhelming feeling that, no matter what happens, we're all significant to the greater universe on an individual basis, we're all part of cosmic cycles we can't even begin to envision, and everything is going to be just fine.