Bad Advice from the Single Man
You can definitely tell that Ted McCaulay is a single man in today’s For Better or For Worse. Telling your wife to take a flying leap is almost always the wrong thing to do, unless she has wings.
I decided to look across the internet to see if there was advice on this subject and there is plenty. The advice ran in these 2 basic categories:
1. If your wife is nagging you, then that means she wants you to do something. Just go ahead and do what she wants. She is only nagging you because you told her you would do it, and you have not kept your word.
2. If you do something for your wife because she nags you to do it, then you are encouraging nagging behaviour. Therefore, you shouldn’t do it, because a wife does not respect a weak husband.
Neither of these pieces of advice addresses the main situation – nagging works. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. People throughout the ages learn that if they stay at something long enough, they will get what they want from the other person. Elly Patterson certainly knows that if she starts screaming and shrieking about something, the other person will usually give in to her, just to get her to stop. Whether you agree with Elly’s opinion or desire is less important than getting her to be quiet.
One of the nice things about old-style Lynn Johnston’s art was that she could draw emotion in the face much better than she does now. In today’s strip, you can almost see John Patterson’s mind working with the subtle changes Lynn drew to his eyes from panel-to-panel as he listens to Ted McCaulay rail on. He looks like he might actually be thinking what it would be like to tell Elly to take a flying leap. After due consideration, John comes to the conclusion that he can change. It’s better to wear the clothes Elly likes than to have to deal with Elly shrieking at him about it.
As for whether this habit works, we can tell from 30 years of the strip. John eventually reaches the point where he hears Elly shrieking and apologizes for spending too much time in the washroom. Elly continues to shriek even into the last year of the modern strip. Looks like #2 was right.
I decided to look across the internet to see if there was advice on this subject and there is plenty. The advice ran in these 2 basic categories:
1. If your wife is nagging you, then that means she wants you to do something. Just go ahead and do what she wants. She is only nagging you because you told her you would do it, and you have not kept your word.
2. If you do something for your wife because she nags you to do it, then you are encouraging nagging behaviour. Therefore, you shouldn’t do it, because a wife does not respect a weak husband.
Neither of these pieces of advice addresses the main situation – nagging works. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. People throughout the ages learn that if they stay at something long enough, they will get what they want from the other person. Elly Patterson certainly knows that if she starts screaming and shrieking about something, the other person will usually give in to her, just to get her to stop. Whether you agree with Elly’s opinion or desire is less important than getting her to be quiet.
One of the nice things about old-style Lynn Johnston’s art was that she could draw emotion in the face much better than she does now. In today’s strip, you can almost see John Patterson’s mind working with the subtle changes Lynn drew to his eyes from panel-to-panel as he listens to Ted McCaulay rail on. He looks like he might actually be thinking what it would be like to tell Elly to take a flying leap. After due consideration, John comes to the conclusion that he can change. It’s better to wear the clothes Elly likes than to have to deal with Elly shrieking at him about it.
As for whether this habit works, we can tell from 30 years of the strip. John eventually reaches the point where he hears Elly shrieking and apologizes for spending too much time in the washroom. Elly continues to shriek even into the last year of the modern strip. Looks like #2 was right.
posted by howard at 12:02 AM
8 Comments:
I don't think what Elly does is ordinary or garden variety "nagging" (which in my experience, whether from a parent or partner, does come mostly from not doing what one is supposed to do. Though there are better ways to handle that. Anyway.) I think it's textbook emotional abuse.
I looked up signs of emotional abuse on Google and found this:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships---6-Signs-of-Emotional-Abuse&id=2402719
Here are the signs according to that site:
1. You are on the receiving end of criticism frequently in your relationship. He or she might be calling you names, or it could be far more subtle, an undermining of the way you do everyday tasks, or a collection of helpful "suggestions" about the right way to do things.
2. When you arrive home at the close of the day, you feel obliged to give an account of your day. This is not a sharing of the ups and downs in a supportive environment, but a controlling demand that you tell all and then face criticism for your choices. You might find yourself choosing to do things you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid the confrontation.
3. Your time with outside friends and family begins to diminish under pressure from your partner. He or she might "guilt" you into forgoing plans with others (I can't believe you would choose time with her over time with me"), or directly prohibit you from seeing certain people.
4. When an educational or job opportunity comes along, your partner is unsupportive or critical of that as well. Anything that potentially makes you more independent is threatening to the abuser.
5. Sex is not the loving, caring expression of affection between two people, but a method of control. Either your partner demands it of you regardless of your feelings or preferences, or it is intentionally withheld along with other affections to keep your vulnerable, rejected, and under his or her control.
6. Life is often experienced with your partner as "walking on eggshells." There is often an implied non-physical threat for not doing what your partner demands. Occasionally, your partner might do something kind and generous for you, but these events are random or a deliberate attempt to pull you back into the relationship if you are showing signs of pulling away.
Except for #4 those all sound a lot like Elly. #4 sounds like John, though it's hard to judge that one because Elly really does flake out of things.
howard,
You can definitely tell that Ted McCaulay is a single man in today’s For Better or For Worse. Telling your wife to take a flying leap is almost always the wrong thing to do, unless she has wings.
Given his bizarre belief that all women were like his overly-affectionate and too-attentive mother, it's not hard to see why the dreary man-child reacted the way he did to women telling him what to do; it's also easy to see what John uses him for: a source of bad advice. Since he's unfailing wrong about everything, all John needs to do is the opposite of what he says.
Clio,
Let’s see:
1. John definitely gets the helpful "suggestions" about the right way to do things later on the strip. In the early years, not so much, although relationship between new-run Elly and John is much more like the later years. In the first few years of the strip, it was probably Rod Johnston who got the helpful "suggestions" whenever he read about himself in the strip.
2. I don’t really remember seeing John give an account of his day to Elly. The closest we get here is when Elly jumped all over John for hiring the Shania Twain / Cheryl Ladd hygienist and then she had to meet the woman to give her approval. Most times, Elly seems completely uninterested in what John does during the day.
3. Time with outside friends diminishing is a definite. John goes from spending time with Ted McCaulay to never seeing him. John goes from having railroad friends to a point where no one will come to see his last railway setup at the tiny train house.
4. As for being unsupportive of an educational opportunity, we had the recent sequence of Elly’s reaction to John going to a dental convention. Most times though, Elly didn’t seem to care about it, so I agree with you.
5. Sex as a method of control is a definite. There was strip after strip of Elly intentionally withholding her affection to John. In contrast, you never see Elly as a sexual aggressor in their relationship.
6. "walking on eggshells" is a definite. John eventually gets to the point where he can’t sit and read on the toilet without being in fear of Elly’s shrieking.
So, I think 1, 3, 5, and 6 are definite. I am not so sure about #2. Nevertheless, I think you have a good case for emotional abuse. If Lynn Johnston had chosen to include the part of Rod Johnston’s life where he was the flying dentist, or was heavily involved in community activities into the life of John Patterson; this would not look as much like emotional abuse. As it is, John goes to work and comes home and seems completely trapped by Elly.
DreadedCandiru2,
Since he's unfailing wrong about everything, all John needs to do is the opposite of what he says.
If you contrast Ted’s advice with Connie’s advice though, you see a difference. When Ted was trying to encourage John to mess around on Elly, it was bad advice, because John would be cheating on Elly. In contrast, when Connie gave the same advice to Elly, it was considered to be good advice, because it helped Elly’s self-esteem.
For #2, I was thinking of the hiring of hygienists and "You might find yourself choosing to do things you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid the confrontation."
So Lynn's ideal man is John Patterson. Someone who will shed family and friends, take whatever his wife dishes out, be desperate for the little random crumbs of affection she throws his way, and always be there, under his wife's gaze and thumb. It makes me give greater credence to Lynn's claims of being abused as a child (though not necessarily the specifics). Unfortunately when I was looking up emotional abuse last night, a lot of sites either implied or stated that women were more likely to be victims of it than men, which contradicts other things I've read and my own experience, both of which say men and women are equally likely to be emotionally abused. It puts a rather interesting spin on the "camera in my house" people, rather like all the people defending Elly for her abuse of Farley.
Clio,
So Lynn's ideal man is John Patterson. Someone who will shed family and friends, take whatever his wife dishes out, be desperate for the little random crumbs of affection she throws his way, and always be there, under his wife's gaze and thumb.
This is true. The most interesting aspect of this ideal man scenario is when you consider the men from whom Elizabeth had to choose.
Eric Chamberlain – the cheater, clearly represented Lynn’s first husband, Doug Franks.
Constable Paul Wright – the First Nations policeman, represented Rod Johnston’s desire to live in the Lynn Lake area.
Warren Blackwood – the pilot, represented Rod Johnston’s life as the flying dentist.
Anthony Caine – like John Patterson, represented a man slavishly devoted to his prospective bride to the point where he ignores his wife and child in favor of her. Unlike Rod Johnston, who had an active life outside of his work and his marriage, Anthony’s main selling point over Constable Paul Wright is that he is always there when Elizabeth needs him.
What you have with John Patterson and Anthony Caine are essentially Rod Johnston, with the parts Lynn didn’t like pared away. Unfortunately for Lynn, the parts she removed are the interesting parts.
What's interesting about all those men is how clearly they're defined by their romantic relationships with women, particularly Pattersons. What was Eric, besides a cheating cheater? Only Paul really got any character development, and that was all supposed to show why he wasn't a good match for Liz. It's no better to define men purely by their romantic relationships with women than it is to define women purely by their romantic relationships with men. Besides being shallow and sexist, it makes for an extremely dull story.
Clio,
Of that bunch, Anthony Caine got the most character development outside of his relationship to Liz. He did have a number of conversations with John and April on different subjects.
As for Eric Chamberlain, I still love him for being the guy who kissed Liz while thinking about kissing Tina. More than any other strip, that told me all I needed to know about Liz.
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