Not My Problem
I sometimes wonder about the personal philosophy of Lynn Johnston when it comes to a family member’s responsibility to their fellow family members. During the stretch of time from 1999 to 2006, when Mike, Deanna and the 2 kids were in the old Toronto apartment, I would make jokes about how infrequently Elly Patterson came to visit them and the motivations for the visits. She came to help out when Robin was sick. She came to help out when Mike and Deanna were overwhelmed with a new born. There were never visits, just to visit. She always had to be asked, and she only came when there was an actual need. Of course the only reason I paid attention to such things, is because Deanna’s parents, the Sobinskis were exactly the opposite. They stopped in unannounced, showered the grandchildren with presents, defended their kids against the neighbours, and visited oftentimes just to visit. Then they were reviled for it, which still make no sense to me.
When we see the Grandpa Jim and Iris struggling together to deal with his stroke, the usual complaint against Elly Patterson is she doesn’t help Iris out, even though she is retired. But, if Elly maintains a consistent internal logic for her character as she was with Mike and Deanna; she will not come to help Iris out, unless Iris asks. I can’t say I have ever seen Iris ask. All she seems to do is complain and play the martyr. We can criticize Elly for not realizing Iris needs help, and volunteering; but for her to stay in character, she has to be asked for help. Iris can moan on about Grandpa Jim only saying, “No!” or not responding to her; but until she actually says to Elly, “Will you help me?”, it’s not going to happen.
I must admit, those are skills which do not come naturally. You have to be aware enough of your environment to read when people are in need, and you have to know what to do to help. If Elly had simply said, “If you need any help, let me know,” Iris still may have not said anything. But if Elly said, “I’ll take Jim to the doctor the next time he goes,” then that is something more concrete, and Iris might agree. I know people who are excellent at that. I have to work at it, and certainly when I was young, I almost never did it. When I see Elly, I see a women who has never developed that skill, along with Iris, who has never learned when she needs to ask for help.
When we see the Grandpa Jim and Iris struggling together to deal with his stroke, the usual complaint against Elly Patterson is she doesn’t help Iris out, even though she is retired. But, if Elly maintains a consistent internal logic for her character as she was with Mike and Deanna; she will not come to help Iris out, unless Iris asks. I can’t say I have ever seen Iris ask. All she seems to do is complain and play the martyr. We can criticize Elly for not realizing Iris needs help, and volunteering; but for her to stay in character, she has to be asked for help. Iris can moan on about Grandpa Jim only saying, “No!” or not responding to her; but until she actually says to Elly, “Will you help me?”, it’s not going to happen.
I must admit, those are skills which do not come naturally. You have to be aware enough of your environment to read when people are in need, and you have to know what to do to help. If Elly had simply said, “If you need any help, let me know,” Iris still may have not said anything. But if Elly said, “I’ll take Jim to the doctor the next time he goes,” then that is something more concrete, and Iris might agree. I know people who are excellent at that. I have to work at it, and certainly when I was young, I almost never did it. When I see Elly, I see a women who has never developed that skill, along with Iris, who has never learned when she needs to ask for help.
posted by howard at 12:10 AM
6 Comments:
Seeing Elly standing on the side while Iris is doing all the physical work disturbs me deeply. It’s even more jarring me because I keep thinking that Jim is a second husband, so why isn’t Elly kissing Iris’s feet? And by the way, have we ever seen John visiting his father-in-law?
My reaction to Elly’s interactions with her children and grandchildren is different than yours. I think that she is an excellent role model. She is always available to her grown children when they need her but she only visits when invited. Perfect! Mrs. Sobinski’s involvement with her daughter’s neighbors was not helpful. It’s tough to balance the desire of protecting one’s children with the desire to see them independent.
Anon
April, I didn’t completely understand the washing of windows to the soul until I read your post on April’s Real Blog, “Eyes and window washing.” Your post is terrific!
Anon
Anon,
My majour point with respect to Elly and the way she treats other relatives is that she treats them the same. She is consistent. Mike and Deanna and Jim and Iris get the same treatment. It might disturb you to see Elly standing on the side while Iris is doing all the physical work; but Iris never says, “Could you give me a hand here, Elly?” Based on the way Elly operates with Mike and Deanna, then Elly is perfectly in character by letting Iris do everything.
My view of Elly as a grandparent role model is coloured by my own situation. I live in Arizona, where my kids are all separated from their grandparents by a considerably larger distance than Milborough to Toronto. All the grandparents have a standing invitation to come whenever they want to come and visit. We have some grandparents who will visit only whenever it works out with something else they were doing, for example, they are taking their other grandchildren on a trip to see the Grand Canyon and since we are in Arizona, we can meet them there. Then, we have some grandparents who want to spend time with their grandchildren and visit solely for that purpose. These are the grandparents I prefer, and are also the ones I associate with the Sobinskis.
Mrs. Sobinski’s involvement with her daughter’s neighbors was not helpful.
In this January, 2006 strip, it sure seems that way, since Mira Sobinski and Melville Kelpfroth are yelling at each other, and it gets Merrie upset. But… the next strip where a Kelpfroth appears, we see Melville speaking civilly to Michael Patterson, even telling him that it is ridiculous for him to have to repair a place where he rents. The Kelpfroths and the Pattersons continue to have civil conversations for the rest of the year. We don’t get the banging on the ceiling again until this strip in December, 2006 when the middle of the night plumbing repairs to remove the Ned doll occur. Did Mira’s yelling at Melville cause him to start speaking to Mike Patterson instead of banging his ceiling for most of the year? If I go just from what has been shown, I could easily draw that conclusion.
‘My view of Elly as a grandparent role model is coloured by my own situation.’
Absolutely! Members of my family all live minutes away from one another so my perspective is going to be very different.
“Did Mira’s yelling at Melville cause him to start speaking to Mike Patterson instead of banging his ceiling for most of the year?”
Adult children need to handle their own problems. It would have been a different story if Deanna had asked her mother to get involved. But if I remember correctly, Deanna begged her mother to mind her own business and Mrs. S. just kept rolling. Parenting is a delicate dance of holding on and letting go.
As soon as I post this I am off to pick up my father from a three-week hospital stay. He is recovering from a serious blood infection. And being a good daughter, he will be staying with me until he feels that he is ready to leave.
Anon
Thanks, Anon! :)
Anon,
Good luck with your father. I’m glad you are a good daughter. I hope he gets better. It must have been very serious to warrant 3 weeks in a hospital.
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